All the way to here :o)

Now how am I meant to chuck almost 23 years down without it boring you lot to death? hmm I guess I'll tell you the key points and dingy the rest!

For you lot that don't know me I'm Pamela :) I have so many nicknames it's unbelievable! These days I answer to just about anything, other than my actual name! :P So I'm 23 minus 39 days! So dreading my next birthday.. I hate getting older! Anyways at the moment I live with my mum (Irene), little sister Gillian (21) and hip old Nana Jeanie! We all stay in Linwood, Renfrewshire! I work for a company called Learning and Teaching Scotland.. It's lame but it pays the bills, and is helping me save for my own place :D

For me.. growing up was pretty normal I guess. For the first four years at least! I had my mum, dad and baby sis and we all stayed at the top end of Linwood! When I was four the 'rents decided that they didn't work so well as a couple! My sis was still in nappies at the time so naturally went to live with mum. However, I was a bit of a daddy's girl so I stayed with the old man! Gradually my relationship with mum and sis became pretty much nil and that continued right up until I was around 12 - 13!

I wouldn't change my childhood, not for anything! I loved mine and dad's little team of two! I even enjoyed going to the football with him .. which has turned me into a die hard blue nose! (sorry Kirsty lol) Anyways when I was 13 I took pretty ill, and daddy bear being a bloke and all didn't quite know how to help me! From that point I began staying with mum and Gillian more and more often. It was so strange at first, I couldn't get used to dad not being around 24/7!

I've always been a quiet one (honest - it's just easy to let inner Pam shine on CC - but in reality I'm a lot quieter) so it was round about this age I started getting picked on in school! First and second year was a nightmare! I made up every excuse under the sun not to go. Just the usual stupid little girl stuff, names, rumours and all that jazz! I put up with it for 2 years until I took a pretty severe asthma attack - at that point the doctors contacted the school and it gradually fizzled out :o) Strange thing is, I went on to share a flat with the girl that bullied me when we were in uni! (turns out - she's still a big bully)

The only friends I really had growing up were the ones I made at Bible Camp! My uncle Johnny boy (mums brother) has always been involved in the Bible Clubs, Camps, youth rallys etc.. so he always encouraged me to come along! To this day I thank him, because the kids I met there (as they were at the time) have been my friends ever since, true friends! well that all plodded along nicely then when I was 15 I met my first bf, through a friend of a friend from the Camp! Everything went tickety boo there for about 2years or so! Funny thing was, our break up was never down to us. to this day I do not have a bad word to say about him, he's such a wonderful person and I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for him. Towards our break-up a few crazy things were happening in my life, which I don't feel up to talking about, I just wanted to emphasise the point that if it wasn't for my uncle Johnny and the bf's constant reminders that God cared, I wouldn't be here today!

After that I developed a little bit of a problem with eating! It took me a long time to over come it! My attitude was... if i feel the pain of hunger.. then I know I'm still here, still alive! Although it hurt and the pains were crippling at times, as strange as it sounds .. it was a comfort! (i swear im not psycho.. but then again a psycho wouldn't tell you they were!) I wasn't annorexic, although I may have looked it.. it was never about losing weight! Then if I did eat, I would feel so mad at myself, that I let myself become so weak as to give in to temptation and I'd make myself sick.. that would never be enough though! After that I would push myself to run 5 - 8miles just to burn off anything I had left in my stomach! I needed to feel that pain to know I was here! Unless you've been there, you'll never understand just how intense that desire is! Anyways lately, things have become that way again. All that runs through my head is well you beat it before, you changed before just change back Pam and stop being a gomper... the problem.. I can't remember how I fixed it the last time! I will get there though, I will pray and pray and pray and keep the faith! I have appointments lined up all next week with doctors, counsellor and nutritionist and the biggest change this time.. i told mum straight away! I'm less likely to do things like that when people know, although it does not stop it completely!

Anyways, after I got over this the last time, i was at uni! Doing forensics and criminal physiology in my first year.. hated it! so quickly changed to medicinal chemistry and drug analysis.. and for what.. to be sitting at a reception taking travel demands from seconded "heedies" (head teachers) lol but it's not all that bad! A very very good friend of mine, Donda (Donna) works reception with me! I've known her about 10 years! We went trampolining together, she was the year above me in school! Now we're like joined at the hip! she's my bus time, text time, work time, shopping time, random time companion!

It was about 8months ago I started coming back to CC ... I used to come in when I was about 15 - 17 (just before things got bad) but so many faces have changed! (I used to be "smiler") Anyways here I met some lovely people.. and a few stoaters! As you lot know I was dating Dan (danyool) for about 6 months there! Without pointing fingers and all that jazz.. he's a gomper :P Anyways he moved over here for reasons that turned out to be lies, but it wasn't all bad.. because through him I met the most amazing friend I have ever had in my entire life! Super Kirsty :) Seriously if you guys are ever lucky enough to stumble across this girl in your lifetime, grab her with both hands and don't let go! She's the best friend you'll ever have.. and the funniest little chick I know! The Lord moves in mysterious ways eh!

Right I've missed massive big chunks out left right and centre! To be honest some bits are just plain nasty and I wouldn't wanna depress anyone! that and I dunno who exactly is reading this :)

What you see is what you get though, I can't change the past all I can hope for is a brighter future, finding my feet again and strengthening my relationship with the big man! I will get there, I just seem to do things in a round about way :)

P-xx