From good, to bad, to worse and then some!

I am not known for being tactful; I am the biggest gawk that ever walked the planet. I am clumsy, I bump into things all the time, usually the same thing more than once. I don't tend to look where I'm going and often stub my toes on doorframes or worse, stand on upturned plugs and screws. More than any of this, I am far too open. There is no grey area with me, everything is black and white. If I think something, chances are you will know all about it because I do not see the point in being blinded by rose tinted glasses and telling people only what they want to hear. That will get people nowhere but hurt when they make the stark realisation that I was not being entirely honest. That by trying to protect them, I would have only served to fail them. I believe that most of the time this is a good thing, not always though because on the rare occasion like tonight, I can see the negative.

Sometimes, I like the fact that I don't look where I am going, every step becomes a mini adventure, never quite knowing what is coming next. I don't like to know what is ahead of me, for chances are that if we did know we would wrap ourselves up in cotton wool and never venture beyond the four walls of our homes, or worse, our minds. Life is far too short to be fulfilled by pettiness, childishness and blatent ignorance. I think this is sad, but hey, you guys may just think I am sad.

I am the way I am because it is the way I am meant to be. Nature, nurture, whatever it boils down to, this is me . . . love it or hate it, I see no reason to change it. I often joke among friends when speaking of star signs and things like that . . . "Yes I am a Libra, a well balanced chick I am." I don't spend my life laden with regret; surely being honest leaves no reason to. Sometimes, I do feel regret, even guilt, yet this is not the regret you may think.

You are all well aware of my temperament. I do not worry about the big things, yet I go over the little things in my head, over and over and over until I border the point of mental and emotional exhaustion and even then I dwell a little more. I analyse every last detail of miniscule bothers in the hope that I will learn from it. I have always said I am the person to have the day AFTER an emergency, and this is true. "I should have said", "I could have done" however, I never do.

"Never go to bed on an arguement!" - My mum told me that one, and I will heed her advice. I wouldn't have slept anyway. I take things to heart all too often. I'm always the one left awake concerned. I wish sometimes this trait of mine would go away, but it's part of what makes me me, so for that reason I will deal with it.

Tonight, I let my mouth take charge of my brain again. Now don't get me wrong, I stand by all I said. The words that came out were all very true and exactly what I felt. However, as per always, clumsy Pamela could have handled the situation in a more sensitive manner. To me at the time, I felt I was very diplomatic, and to be honest I still do after reading the conversation several more times. The problem is, I do not like to be piggy in the middle, nor am I fond of hypocrisy. However, not for what I said, but for the way I conveyed myself I do apologise.

This is me, plain and simple. I say what I feel has to be said, and I would not be a true friend if I was not entirely honest. I would rather be hated for being honest, than loved for being two faced and one of the crowd. Friends are not a given, they are a luxury if you like. Something incredibly special, and I think that something that valuable should be treated with the utmost respect, compassion, truthfulness and in times when your friends need grounding then as an equal in that relationship you have a duty to do so. In doing so you perhaps help your friend, let them see what others are seeing or you induce silence. Either way, I appreciate it when a friend comes to me when I am acting out of line and puts it to me straight. Those are the ones I know I can trust, who are real friends. I may not always like what they say to me, but I will take on board what they have said, understanding how difficult it can sometimes be for a friend to approach me over an issue so delicate as a personality trait, think about it and 99.9% of the time I realise they had a point. That is not to say that I am always right, not by a long chalk!!

We all have our flaws, but true friends love you, flaws and all. I love every last one of my friends, for I would not be here without them. I have a handful of true friends and do not waste my time with random friends. I prefer it like this, I get to know 4 or 5 people on a very deep level buy building up a lasting friendship that will weather all storms and rest safe in the knowledge that they always have my best interests at heart. When you have such a friend you take the good with the bad, the beautiful with the ungly and understand that a true friend will always say their piece but still be waiting on the response. Well me, I always wait.